letter for papa ....

february 2006

dear papa,

i don't know how or where to begin. this is probably the most painful letter i ever have to write.

i guess i should start by saying - i am sorry. for not being there in your most difficult and trying time and also for not being there today. i know that in your heart and in your mind, you know how much i wanted to be there. i've always longed to hold you and console you and be the good son i wanted to be. unfortunately, certain situations wouldn't let me. i hope you understand. a part of me believes that where i am right now is exactly where you want me to be. this was your grand plan all along. you've worked very hard to provide me with a comfortable life and good education among other things. it was your goal to secure a good future for mama, for my brother and sisters, and for myself. papa, i know you can hear me, and i want you to know that you have succeeded in more ways than one.

although another part of me is lost, i am faithful that in time, i will fully understand our fate.

also, i want to say thank you for a million reasons. you have been a loving husband, a devoted father, a supportive father in law, an adoring grandfather, a valuable friend to peers, coworkers and even acquaintances. you will always be the strong, invulnerable gentleman both kids and adults look up to.
most importantly, thank you for showing us the real meaning of courage and strength. you have redefined bravery and for that, i know i have no reason to feel weak. you are a true gentleman and always will be.

in my heart i will hold a promise - to always remember august 29, 2001. four years, five months, and twenty days ago. as i watched you and mama walk through that gate at the san francisco airport, never did i imagine that it was gonna be the last time i will see you. that particular date shall mark the turning point of our journey.

this is not the end. it will never be. for i am certain that you will be with me as i go through my own personal journey. i know that you will be watching over me and guiding me through the right path.

i am in great pain that i can not be there to read you this letter. my heart bears so much heaviness with the fact that i won't have the chance to say my final goodbye. but i believe that you are always with me and that our love will transgress through the distance.

papa ... the strength you have exemplified will be my inspiration. the knowledge you imparted will be my guiding light. your courage shall make me stronger and in your peace i shall find mine.

i love you and til we meet again...

much love,
your bunso - alex

alberto l. macayan 1938-2006

urban word of the week ... [7]

valentine's day:
1) holiday maliciously created to make lonely people extremely depressed.
2) a corporate conspiracy conceived by candy makers, rose growers, lingerie stores, and jewellers to get people to spend money on junk.

SOURCE:
urbandictionary.com
Define Your World.

my fridge is alive!

man, it was a rough week. i'm glad i made it to the weekend. the past few days has been a blur except for thursday when i finally got the chance to stay home and chill. dance class, gym, or dinner get-together after my daily 8 to 5 could be exhausting.

it was my one and only niece's 3rd birthday last monday. i called her and she happily sang 'happy birthday to me' with full gusto over the phone. it was precious! also when i asked her what she was doing, she replied 'i'm watching bambi the reindeer'. hahahaha i laughed so hard i almost fell off my chair. it's amazing what kids would say.

i finally got around to cleaning my fridge. a slice of cheesecake from a holiday party, pasta sauce i made a month ago, 3-week old tuna spread - just a few of the stuff sitting in my fridge and pretty much forming a life of its own. i threw out the tupperware most of them were stored in and i nuked a sauce pan in boiling water for a good 10 minutes. it was scary! no wonder the past few weeks i've been spooked out at home. someone else was living in my apartment - micro organisms breeding unwanted life forms right inside the comfort of my own refrigerator!

urban word of the week ... [6]

broke:
It refers to being penniless, out of cash, completely fucking spent, skint

SOURCE:
urbandictionary.com
Define Your World.

weekend randomness ...

it's sunday. after finishing the not-so-impressive-drowned-out-with-special-effects War of the Worlds, i headed to bed for a promised one hour nap. i set my alarm at 530pm but woke up at 630 instead. sigh .. there goes my afternoon.

it's been a rough week. i've been feeling lost and spaced out and homesick. the thing is i don't know what really triggered it. am i going crazy? i'm convinced that it's a pretty normal phase that i usually go through. surprisingly though i've never gotten used to it. after all these years, i couldn't seem to fight the evil of homesickness and it's insane affects on me and my psyche. i have crazy mood swings, i couldn't eat, my motivation is the size of a pea and i'm very emotional. i couldn't find myself. a lot of things are not making any sense right now. should i go see a doctor now?

i'm tired of LA. i should move some place where the seasons change.

looks like the planned mini-reunion with my sisters at louisville, kentucky will fall through. boo! i've been looking forward to it really. seeing ate yvette is possibly the closest i could get to being home. i've imagined the dinners together, the trips to the park with my 3-year old niece, the long talks over coffee. would have been nice. it would have been good for my soul.

maybe i should pack my bags and just go home. but where is home?