holiday ramblings

so it's been a month since i was last on here. amazing how time flies and more amazing is the fact that small things, piled on top of each other, can completely sidetrack a person from his normal routine.

i'm still reeling from recent events concerning my dad. he has been in poor health the past few weeks. i'm torn between the states of helplessness and hopelessness. i want to see him but i can't. i want to be with him but i can't. certain situations restrict me from seeing him and i begin to question myself - am i cut for this? a million "why's" has been running through my head. the more i try to look for answers, the more questions surface. it's been difficult to maintain normalcy, painful at times. i deny it but i know my mom and my older brother and sisters are right when they say that HERE is where dad wants me to be. this is what he planned for me. so i struggle to stay strong at the same time try to find answers to my questions. i hope and pray that an opportunity to see him again will be eventually become a reality.

thanksgiving day came and went. it's my 5th time to celebrate this holiday that i hardly understand but hell, it was a 4 day weekend so i might as well enjoy it. destination: las vegas. gooble and liquor up seems to be the theme of this holiday resulting to an uneasy feeling of bloatedness and dehydration by day 4. despite the 10 hour drive back to LA, it was overall a great weekend. las vegas is always fascinating, it's always alive. top that with an awesome set of friends, las vegas is one desert i'll gladly be stuck in.

oh let us back track to the monday before thanksgiving day. i went to supercuts in sherman oaks to get a buzz cut. note that i don't usually go to supercuts. i go to a stylist to cut my hair but since i wanted a buzz cut, i figure i'll save some moolah if i go to a cheaper salon instead of my $55-per-cut stylist (hell, if i had a clipper i can do it myself). so i sat there almost tearfully watching the girl clipper off my hair when this man dressed in all black and ski mask walks in announcing 'nobody moves' and 'you get on the floor'. to everyone's horror, this man was robbing supercuts at 7:30pm in a the middle of rather busy sherman oaks intersection! and to make it worse, he had a gun. i sat there and watched the scene thru the mirror. the man stood about 5 feet from my chair and he was continuously swinging around his gun and a couple of time it came really close to my head. i felt the blood drain from my face and i was nauseous. i knew for certain that he was gonna ask for my wallet and my razr phone coz i sat really close to him. at the back of my head, i was ready to give it if he asks but after getting the cash from the register, he took off. everybody was safe thankfully. we called 911 and 15 minutes later (took the cops that long) i was being questioned by an officer. i was a witness to a crime! ugh. the image of that man pretty stuck in my head for a couple of days. that night as i lay in bed i tried to process the whole experience. lesson learned - never go back to supercuts. yeh i did save a few bucks but for a few minutes i totally compromised my safety and my life. i didn't sleep very well that night.

i am back at the corporate office in westlake after a brief stint in simi valley handling purchasing and products. as much as i wanted to stay in simi, i wasn't really given much of a choice. i was rather upset about the whole thing. it certainly isn't a sign of growth going back to the same department i've been working in for the past 3 years. i felt a certain degree of embarassment the day i came back to corporate. i felt like i was demoted in some way although i know i was really not. i couldn't express an honest response to the "welcome back's" that i got all day. it was difficult to even acknowledge with a smile. i was frustrated. but being the eternal optimist that i am, i look at the bright side - at least i have a job in one the biggest advertising and marketing company in the US. i know for a fact that not a lot of people are the given the chance so i'm thankful.

i recently bought a book called 'a beginners guide to web design'. i've been wanting to learn web design for the longest time and even planned on going back to school for it. due to financial restrictions, those plans has been sitting in the back burner for quite some time. recently though i've realized that i should take the initial step - self study. 'study' being the operative word. i'm taking the bulls by the horn and trying to get really into it while my motivation is still in full gear. it's good to learn new things and i welcome the knowledge.

christmas is around the corner and a new year is upon us. the holiday season is always a challenge for me. this season brings me a certain level of depression, of homesickness. it's feels odd to celebrate christmas when you're away from home. it's almost an irony to its entire meaning. like my past birthdays, i try to find a reason to celebrate. and like the past 4 years, i bet going to church alone on christmas day will be a extremely painful. it's always sad to find myself amidst groups of families or close friends celebrating the true meaning of christmas day. i remain hopeful. i'm sure my
turn will soon come.

no day but today ....