fine! bite me ...

i know i know. i've been lagging behind on keeping my blog page up to date. for whatever it's worth - i'm sorry (LOL).

here's the thing though - nothing has been going on with my life. nothing too exciting to write about. it's amazing how one event can change one's life. like in an instant you're a different person.

i read somewhere that a person becomes an adult when you bury a parent or become a parent yourself. obviously i'm not gonna be a parent anytime soon. and when my father passed away in february, i never got the chance to see him. i didn't get to see him during his last moments. i didn't even get to be a pallbearer at his funeral. and yes, i didn't get a chance to personally say goodbye.

i read somewhere too that there are 5 stages in dealing with death. i'm not gonna dwell on each one of these steps but the particular stage in question is the 5th and final and definitely the most difficult - ACCEPTANCE. i simply didn't understand how to accept the loss. maybe i have accepted but didn't know it or that maybe, like in some cases i've read, acceptance wouldn't happen until after a few years. that idea scares me.

"accepting loss/death of a loved one is fully accomplished when one has fully understand the fact that he or she is not coming back"

i've said before that missing out on my own father's funeral is the demon that i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i have promised myself and the people that i love that i will do my best to be ok and slowly move on. it's easier said than done. on the outside i am ok, but on the inside i'm in pain. when surrounded by friends, i'm ok. but in solitude, i am not. most of the time i lose the battle against my own demon. on the bright side, i guess the situation provides me with some kind of balance. the joy of being with friends evens out the pain i feel when alone. finding a happy medium is my goal right now. and in my own time, i will heal.

'nuf said.